Ang liham at ang mga reklamo

Nakapag-submit na ko ng resignation letter sa wakas. Pagkatapos ng araw-araw na pagrereklamo at pagkausap nang medyo di matino sa sarili, nagawa ko rin i-finalize ang resignation letter na ginawa ng isang kaibigan para sa 'kin noong Linggong sabi ko ay mag-re-resign na talaga ako. Pero di ko naman ginawa. Di ko binigay sa editor ko kahit sabi ko sa kanya ay gusto ko na i-give up ang trabaho at may nakahanda na akong resig letter. Iyun yung pagkatapos niya sabihin ang evaluation niya sa akin. Halos lahat ng criteria bagsak ang grade. Halos di ko na rin inintindi maigi dahil parang alam ko na rin naman na bagsak yun.

Di naman dahil dun kaya ko ginusto mag-resign. Araw-araw kasi nahihirapan ako. Sa pag-meet ng deadline ng pag-submit ng leads at ng mismong story, parati akong sablay. Minsan sobrang huli na, tinatapon na lang. Minsan naman ginagawa na lang news briefs  na isang paragraph lang at walang pangalan. Pero minsan, nangyayari talagang wala ako naisa-submit--na siya namang dahilan kaya ako napagalitan nang bongga sa email ng isa kong editor.

Nahihirapan din ako minsan na wala akong makitang istoryang pwedeng isulat. Minsan naman meron, pero sobrang hindi ko maintindihan. At minsan, siempre binibigyan ako ng mga events para i-cover. Yun ang di ko masyado gusto. Minsan kasi di sapat ang oras na binibigay para malaman ko kung tungkol ba talaga saan yung event. Minsan naman kampante akong pupunta sa event dahil akala ko alam ko na yung tungkol sa topic, pero sa huli wala akong naisusumite kasi sa dami ng speakers sa event na yun at sa dami ng jargon na ginamit, hindi ko na alam kung paano tatahiin ang mga detalye. Pero bukod sa ganoong mga problema, andun din yung hindi ko talaga maintindihan ang sinasabi ng speaker dahil foreigner siya. Kaya kahit naka-on ang recorder ko, wala rin akong mapapala dahil di ko talaga maintindihan yung sinasabi.

Isa pa yang recorder na yan. Yung cellphone ko ang ginagamit ko ngayon na pang-record. Palibasa nasira na ata talaga yung Sony recorder na binili ko sa dati kong ka-opisina. Sayang lang ang ginastos at ipinagod ko dun para dalhin pabalik-balik sa repair centers. Mukang nasira na talaga. Balik sa sinasabi ko, ang cellphone ko ang ginagamit kong recorder ngayon. Kaya naman kapag nagrerecord ako, di ako makapagtext at makatawag. Ang pathetic talaga. At kapag tapos na ang recording, di ko naman mapakinggan agad kung hindi ililipat sa laptop dahil sinira ng kapatid ko yung audio jack ng cellphone ko. Letse.

Antok na pala ko.

I need God

I really do.

Feeling small as my horizon widens

I've learned a lot these past few weeks.

1. I'm impatient with myself when it comes to learning things. I want to learn things almost instantly; otherwise, I'd think that whatever I'm trying to learn isn't really right/meant for me.

2. I could exhaust myself without really doing anything. Working out my brain through paranoia could drain all my energies.

3. Crying really helps a lot. Unfortunately, I'm not of the crybaby type who could easily pour out my emotions. I'm thankful I have my family. We're not the mushy type of family that normally shower each other with kisses and hugs, but we do listen to each other. Venting out to them always helps me--because I almost always cry when I do so hehe.

4. My lack of discipline is so amazing. I still get bouts of katamaran even when I'm under pressure.

5. When you feel suicidal, shut off the over-conscious-ever-conscientious part of you, and switch on to the cold and logical mode with a tinge of the "the hell I care" attitude. It quite helped me, really. One should be cautious though, as slipping in this technique would pull you back into the quicksand of gloom. I say it takes discipline to be able to deliver yourself using this technique. It's just the same as keeping yourself from looking down when crossing a narrow and steep footbridge.

6. I should never take friends for granted, because they could really help you when you're wayyyy down. I've always been guilty of this. If you're not my best friend, I wouldn't be able to care less if you go abroad or whatever for good.

Because, again, I think I'm talented

I miss using a pencil for doing stuff like this.

Because I think I'm talented

Multi-purpose paint
Made sometime in 2010. The result of my insufficient effort to copy the Phantom of the Opera CD cover.

Hope I find the time to play artist again. :(

This is it: losing my "baet" slowly

Finally, I'm working as a mamamahayag for the print media. The thing is, I'm now assigned to a beat that I don't really know. Back in college, it's the subject that I didn't really care about and whose class I attended usually eating merienda. Economics.

There was really nothing else beyond supply and demand.
Until I got this job.
But then what's new? I never really knew what I was getting myself into until I've perfectly stuck myself in it. Da hell.

The past three weeks have been a tough roller coaster ride for me.  There were times I felt I'm living the happiest life in this millennium. But then there were also times that I thought I'd go crazy. Heck, it's an understatement to say that half the time, I didn't know what I'm doing! Whenever I encounter terms like securities, stock options, and economic indicators, I can't help wondering if I would have been better off as a jeepney driver or as a security guard.

I just hope I don't get worn out too soon. I have to keep in mind that it's all in the mind. After all, I named this blog after the best combo of emotions that could easily drown me and pull my self-esteem down.

Suffocation

It's the reason why our kitten died tonight. My stupid younger brother wrapped her in a blanket and then fell asleep. When he woke up, the kitten's pink nose and mouth have already gone pale. They weren't able to revive her.

That kitten and her mother used to stay and sleep on my bed. She was so tiny I was so scared to crush her so I just sleep near the edge of the bed. I'm going to badly miss that little bed spacer. :'(